The Open Adoption Roundtable is a series of occasional writing prompts about open adoption. It’s designed to showcase of the diversity of thought and experience in the open adoption community.You don’t need to be part of the Open Adoption Bloggers list to participate, or even have a traditional open adoption. If you’re thinking about openness in adoption, you have a place at the table.
Publish your response during the next week–linking back here so we can all find one other–and leave a link to your post in the comments. If you don’t blog, you can always leave your thoughts directly in the comments.
Our third roundtable assignment was suggested by Lori. (If you have a topic you’d like to see kicked around, definitely let me know!) We’ve looked back at the beginning of our adoption journeys. We’ve talked about the fathers. Now we’re going to dream a little for the future. Share your wish list for your open adoption(s). Your list can be tempered by reality or packed with hopeful ideals. The choice is yours.
One of the things about Lori’s suggestion that piqued my interest was the potential for some good cross-triad communication. So let’s all be visiting the other posts as they go up and seeing things from a different perspective.
Adoptive mom Familyofthree at The Mommy Journals: “So, even if our adoption never achieves the new heights of openness that I myself would desire, I wouldn’t change it, as long as my sweet girl can understand why she was placed, who she was meant to be in life, and how much she is loved by all who are blessed to call her part of their family.”
Ginger, first mom in three open adoptions, at Puzzle Pieces: “I don’t need you to send me 3 page long emails daily. I do need you to reassure me on a regular basis that you still want contact, even if you don’t feel like writing more than one line. Something. Please understand that when you get too busy to turn on your computer and send an email, I think you’re gone.” A brutally honest post, and a must read for any adoptive or pre-adoptive parent.
Adoptive mom M de P at Reservado Para Futura Mamà: “I wish for the strength that I will need to deal with the really tough parts of our open adoption with little A – and I hope that we are able to process those together in the best way that we can.”
Tammy, adoptive mom of two, at You Just never Know Where Hope might Take Ya: “I don’t live with expectations of [my kids’ other families] anymore…I will, however, live with expectancy.”
Adoptive mom Jess at The Problem With Hope: “For our families and friends to care about more than JUST Ava….to have real interest in her bio family and not have to have who’s-who explained every time we mention a bio sibling or parent…because their caring and knowing shows they care and know ABOUT HER.”
First mom Thanksgivingmom at I Should Really Be Working: “I feel like there is no word for the relationship I want us to have. I won’t be her Mom but I don’t think “friend” is right either. I’m not an aunt or a family friend. Without the language I’m not sure how to describe the relationship. I’m her firstmom. I’ll be there for her and support her and love her. Like a firstmom.”
Adoptive mom Spyderkl at Evil Mommy: “I wish that School Girl will feel the same way about our conjoined families in the future the way she does now. When we were working on the ‘family tree’ assignment at school, she talked about the different parts of our family. ‘There’s your side, Mommy, and there’s Daddy’s side, and there’s my side.’ But they’re all together, all joined and muddled up.”
First mom Jenna at The Chronicles of Munchkin Land: “I also hope that my speaking out on the need for adoption reforms and the unnecessary separation of various families will eventually reach a bigger audience but I think living our family life as we do might speak louder than I ever would be able to. And I’m loud.”
Adoptive mom Andy at Today’s the Day!: “I wish that we had at least one picture of Liam with his Mother. I wish that “K” knows how important she is to us… I wish it wasn’t all so hard.”
Adoptive mom Tracey at Grace Comes By Hearing: “I know a big step, for most women, is getting past the point that they need to have a ‘biological’ child. I was there too, but I wish I hadn’t waited so long in choosing this direction. I wish more people would choose adoption.”
Adoptive mom Dawn at This Woman’s Work: “So my wish list today is that the people who I love so much (Pennie and Madison) would have the strength to accept each other’s limits even when it’s hard. Even when it’s painful. And that they would give each other — and themselves — the space and time they need and that they would trust in their love for each other even when things are hard.”
Jenni, an expectant mother planning to place her daughter in an open adoption, at Confessions of a Mean Girl Turned Mommy: “What I do know is that I don’t want to be put on the back burner after Baby K is born. I don’t need to be the center of attention, but I don’t want to be forgotten. I want to know that I’m still important and valued and a PERSON. A person who did something that I’ve finally realized is going to be incredibly difficult, regardless of how much sense my choice makes in my head.”
Jane, both a first mom and an adoptee in an open adoption, at Jane’s Calamity: “I hope she doesn’t harbor anger towards me like I do my own first mother because I’m not there for her. I want to be there for her. I would give my life to be there for her.”
Adoptive mom Jessica at Anderson Happenings: “That Colt will always think of us as his parents. It’s that selfish feeling that comes up for all adoptive parents. I want him to have a relationship with N, I want him to love and respect her and honor her. But at the end of the day I wish and hope that when he sees me he always sees me as Mommy.”
Adoptive mom Sammy at The Apple of My Eye: “That K [birth mum] would know she is loved by me for who she is not the gift she has given me.”
Adoptive mom Teendoc at Welcome to the Dollhouse: “So my wishlist for our open adoption has mostly been achieved. I just hope that one day Jeremy will re-connect and fill that missing piece. If he does not, I pray that my Z will have the strength and foundation of love to accept this loss.”
Kristin, who is waiting to adopt, at Parenthood Path: “As part of our homestudy, M. and I had to reflect a bit on our ideal open adoption situation. After some reading and talking, M. shared something that I think is so wise. He said that he’s come to believe that what’s needed for a good open adoption is what’s needed for all good, long lasting relationships.”
First mom Leigh at Sturdy Yet Fragile: “I am nervous, but as soon as we speak, I feel the anxiety start to wash away. We have an easy camaraderie that just clicks, as though we’ve known each other forever. She tells me that she thinks of me often, and that she wants to know everything about me.”
Adoptive mom Robyn at Adoption.com: “My number one wish, not just for our open adoption, but all open adoptions, is that all of the participants are healthy, happy, and secure, more often than not. Yeah, I know. I might as well ask for the moon.”
Adoptee Valerie at From Another Mother: “Questions, fears, doubts…there are certain concerns that will always exist within the mind of an adoptee, and those concerns can only be soothed by a birth parent. Responsibility for the child does not end at placement. It is ongoing, whether the adoption is open or not.”
Lori, adoptive mom to two, at Weebles Wobblog: “Seeing Tessa ceases to cause her birthfather, Joe to ache (hey, it IS a wishlist).”
Adoptive mom Karen at Clio: “I wish that both R and G will be able to sit next to J and I at Evie’s wedding some day.”
Adoptive mom Debbie at Always and Forever Family: “I wish…I could feel comfortable enough to just pick up the phone and call her for no reason other then to say hi.”
Jacksmom, who is waiting to adopt, at Hoping for Another Blessing: “I wish that when it comes time for the tough questions and parts of our adoption, that we have the strength and grace to deal with it. At the same time, I wish this for our child and their first family as well. I know this is asking a lot, but I hope that we can share our fears and wishes with our child’s first family, and that they can do the same with us. I think it will only strengthen our relationship if we know where the other is coming from. None of this adoption stuff is easy.”
Adoptive mom Ashley at More Than Dog Children: “My wish is that Declan will continue to have a relationship with his birth parents. We see them every few months now and I hope the contact doesn’t go away. I wish for him to feel close to and know the amazing people that C and T are.”
First mom Brown at Coming Clean: Confessions of a Secret Birthmom: “I want her to know how much she is loved and thought of. How much I would do anything for her, and to know that I want her first and foremost to be happy. I want her to know that I’m there for her whenever she’s ready.”
Adoptive mom Lassie at Eggs Benedict Arnold: “I wish the world would go away and stop judging my open adoption. FlyGuy and I are the captains of Little Lassie’s ship (for now) and we will always keep her in safe waters.”
And me: “For the adults, all six of us, I wish the courage to be honest with each other, our children, and ourselves. May we have the maturity and wisdom to set aside self-interest when we should.”